The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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