drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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