So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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