the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
