i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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