i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
