I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Randomize
