I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
