im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
