meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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