got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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