He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
