thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
