I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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