The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
