I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
