I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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