Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
