I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
