my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
