Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
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Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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