I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
