I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
