you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
