Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
