I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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