I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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