do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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