His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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