I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You are the jesus of drinking
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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