I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
