I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
