He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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