have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
