I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
