She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
