i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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