Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.