When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4