Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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