Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
