and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
