he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
