If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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