still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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