The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
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