Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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