Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
