i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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