i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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