I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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