someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
