No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
