Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
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Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
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Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.