Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
