They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
