whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
