That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
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Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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